The Lost Day and Didgeridoos

The pain has gotten sharp in the right side of my abdomen.  I’m ignoring it, I’m ignoring it, I’m ignoring it. Why am I heading away from the mountains? This looks more and more arid, desert-like. Maybe Rio Chama is in the arid half of Santa Fe National Forest. Is there an arid half?  I’m not thinking straight. First we’re going to Jemez Falls, but it looks arid, so I turn around – Rio Chama, let’s try for Rio Chama.  Yeah.  This’ll be the most rustic, hard to access camping on the whole journey.  Rio Chama.  God, I can’t think.  Let’s hunch over, if I drive hunched over a little it’ll feel better. It just has to pass.  Think about the directions – mind off the pain.  Forest Road 151, we need 151. 151 151 151 151 151 151.  Talk to Mick.  No need to mention my state.  What can she do?  She’ll worry.  We just need to get there.  Get there get there get there get there.  Rest a little.  I’ll be fine.  151.  Ok, dirt road.  11 miles of dirt road.  I knew that. Ok.  20 miles an hour?  Maybe?  11 miles at 20 an hour?  Shit shit shit shit.  Get there.  Look at the cliffs look at the cliffs.  Impressive.  They’re impressive. Keep driving keep driving keep driving.  Outrunning the pain.  Keep going.  Look at the cliffs.  Mind off the pain mind off the pain.  4 miles.  Go, let’s go.  Lean back.  Lean back and stretch your abdomen.  Ok ok ok. Feels better.  For a minute.  Have to keep switching positions.  5 miles.  Can’t think can’t think can’t think.  Seb, pretty cool huh?  Yeah.  We’re almost there.  For camping?  Yeah.  Ok!  Mind off the pain mind off the pain.  Watch the river.  Watch the river snake.  Cloudy water.  Sediments.  Yeah, watch the river.  Oh God. I can’t.  6 miles.  Go go go.  What’s that?  I just passed a camping sign.  What was it?  Stop the car.  Reverse.  Whirlpool Campground.  Ok ok ok.  Can’t think.  6 miles.  5 more to go to Chama.  Have to get out.  Pull in.  It’s on the river.  Ok, we’ll get out and look at it.  Ok.  This is cool Dad!  Ok.  Pull in.  Get out.  Let’s have a look Seb.  Walk around.  Think think think.  Can’t walk anymore.  Have to lay down.  We’ll stay a second. Seb you play right here, I have to lay down.  Ok.  in the car, seat back.  Try to relax try to relax.  Nauseous.  Breath.  Relax.  Seb stay away from the river!  Ok.  Rest a minute.  Have to rest a minute.  Sweaty sweaty sweaty.  Jump out.  Wretch.  Get it out get it out.  Ok ok.  Feel better.  Sit back down.  Think.  I can’t drive.  I can’ go further in.  We’ll set up camp here.  Ok.  This is gonna hurt.  Ok, up and to the trunk, unload, start setting up. Tent. Pads.  Big gust of wind and the tent’s blown on it’s side, into the bushes.  Seb thinks this is hilarious.  I would too, but the pain.  Ok, tent back down, pads down, sleeping bags. Too heavy to blow away now.  At least with this wind.  Have to lay down have to lay down.  Seb, Daddy has to lay down in the tent.  I have to rest.  Stay right here where I can see you, ok?  Ok.  Don’t go close to the river please sweat heart, because falling in would be dangerous.  Ok.  Lay down and curl up.  Close my eyes – I have to feel better.  Look up. Seb’s digging.  Ok.  Curl up tighter.  Pain won’t go away.  Ok relax.  Splash. What’s that? Seb!  Yeah?  Are you staying away from the river?  Yes.  What are you doing?  Throwing big rocks in the river.  Seb I don’t want you close to that river.  I’m not.  I’m throwing from far away.  Ok.  He’s not a fool.  I can trust him.  Try to relax a minute.  Splash.  It’s ok.  The pain damnit.  Try to think.  What to do.  Can I make a fire?  Can I make food?  Think think think.  What to do.  We’re stuck.  I should’ve turned around.  Too far to drive.  Still mid afternoon.  What’s Seb going to do?  I can’t get up.  I can’t do anything.  It’s desolate.  We’re the only ones here.  Ok, good and bad.  What should I do?  Can I drive back to Santa Fe?  50 miles?  How can I do that?  What will we do here?  I can’t do the things that need to be done here.  This isn’t good.  I feel worse.  Look around.  It looks familiar.  Something familiar here. This is half assed.  Staying would be half assed.  Dad would’ve stayed.  Without a thought he would’ve stayed.  I have to go back.  I have to get up, break camp, and drive back to Santa Fe.  It’s the only choice.  Ok.  Ok ok ok this is going to be hard.  Seb, come here baby.  Yeah.  I think we’re going to go back and stay in a hotel tonight.  In a hoteeelllll?  Yeah.  Ok, we can take a break from camping Daddy. Ok.  Gonna get up now gonna get up now.  Do this fast.  Just do it fast.  I’m up and moving.  Move move move.  Don’t roll, just fold and in the trunk.  Seb’s helping with the poles.  Good boy.  He’s a good boy.  Keep going.  All in the trunk.  Ok, in the car.  We’re ready.  Let’s get there.  Please let’s get there.

Driving driving driving.  Still on the dirt road.  Mind off the pain.  Drive.  Can’t.  Stop.  Jump out.  On hands and knees.  Get it out.  Get it out.  Ok.  Back into  the car.  Seb you ok?  Yeah, the camera won’t take pictures Daddy.  Ok.  I’ll look at it later.  Gotta drive.  Just drive.  Throwing up bought me time.  Use it.  Get down the road.  Ok.  On the pavement now.  Make good time – in the middle of nowhere – make good time.  Here we go.  We can make it.  Going through little pueblos have to slow down.  God 45 feels like 25.  Let go.  Ok.  Gotta go.  Pick it back up.  How far now?  30 miles.  Shit 30 miles?  Can I do 30 miles?  Have to.  I have to.  Traffic slowing again.  Shiiiit.  You people have to go you people have to go you people have to go.  What’s that?  Days Inn.  Not in Santa Fe yet.  Who cares.  Can’t make it have to lay down, not going to make it.  Seb we’re staying here.  Here?  Yes.  It’s so small Daddy.  Yep.  Park at front desk.  Seb stay here.  Run in.  How much are rooms?  Let me check.  $67.00.  Think think think.  I can barely stand up.  What to do?  Haggle.  Really?  You can’t work with me here?  Just passing through and need to lay down for a bit.  You can work with me.  She’s thinking.  Does she think I’m about to shit my pants?  I would.  Ok.  $59.00.  Ok, sounds good.  No difference really but she moved on price.  The principal.  God my stomach.

In the room.  Drag things in from the car. What do we need?  Just get in.  Get and lay down. Ok.  Seb can watch tv.  I’m getting in bed here’s the remote.  Not working.  Shit.  Ok.  Get up, turn tv on.  Channels work on the remote, so back in bed.  Find something for Seb.  Sponge Bob. This one Daddy.  Ok.  Right now, ok.  Curl up and to sleep.  Just sleep.  We’re ok.  Just sleep.  In and out, drifting.  Clouded thoughts.  Seb’s ok.  Still watching.  Go to sleep.  In and out, drifting.  Mumbling to myself half asleep.  Didgeridoo didgeridoo didgeridoo.  Why?  Where’s that coming from?  In and out, drifting.  Seb’s watching so much tv.  What can I do?  Worthless right now.  Seb what’s the story on Sponge Bob, tell me the story.  He does.  In and out, drifting.  Seb’s turning the tv off.  It’s night now.  Don’t know how late.  he’s getting into his bed.  Good boy Seb.  Go to sleep.

Morning.  I feel clearer.  Seb wants a shower.  Ok a shower would be good.  Pain eased off, but I have to get up slowly.  Abdomen feels like it’s been put through a shredder.  Fatigued but better.  We’re on the upside.  Take a shower, then fall back asleep.  Wake up.  We watch Journey to the Center of the Earth.  Brendan Frazier has compromising pictures of someone somewhere.  Ok.  We’ll check out now.  We’ll get in the car, we’ll drive to Santa Fe, find a park. put out a blanket so one of us can play and one of us can recover.

Then we’ll head toward those mountains.